Bassets don't cry...Bassets like beer....Bassets can't talk....Bassets don't shop....Bassets never criticize....Bassets never expect gifts....Bassets love long car trips....Bassets seldom outlive you....Bassets think you sing great....Bassets never want foot-rubs....A basset's parents never visit....Bassets don't hate their bodies....Bassets don't worry about germs....Bassets are excited by rough play....Bassets enjoy heavy petting in public....Anyone can get a good-looking Basset.... Bassets understand that letting gas is funny....Bassets can appreciate excessive body hair....Bassets don't care if you use their shampoo....Bassets love it when your friends come over....Bassets never need to examine the relationship....If a basset is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.... Bassets don't borrow your shirts, well sometimes....Bassets have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry....It's legal to keep a basset chained up at your house....Bassets don't let magazine articles guide their lives....Bassets don't mind if you give their offspring away....Bassets will forgive you for playing with other dogs....A basset's disposition stays the same all month long.... Bassets like it when you leave lots of things on the floor....The later you are, the more excited bassets are to see you....Bassets don't expect you to call when you are running late....Bassets don't notice if you call them by another dog's name....No basset ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood....A basset's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink....Bassets don't want to know about every other dog you ever had....Bassets understand that instincts are better than asking for directions....Bassets agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across....You never have to wait for a basset, they're ready to go 24 hours a day....Bassets understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted....Bassets would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one....When a basset gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can have it put to sleep....Bassets like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

On, and on, and on, and on, don't you just love Basset's.

Author Roy

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED." Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a Basset trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and AHROOOOED! Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the Basset and was surprised, to say the least. However, the Basset looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the Basset jumped up on the chair and stared at the Manger. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The Basset jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and waddled over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the Basset, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The Basset jumped down again and went to the computer. The Basset proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the Basset and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent Basset and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The Basset jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The Basset looked him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Author Unknown

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any, soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards: the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER STORMS: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warm them of danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP: The way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump does not get the attention you require.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you are lucky a human will love you in return.

Author Unknown

Can't stick his head out of Windows '95.

Fetch command not available on all platforms.

Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've got mail."

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question!

Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.

TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")

Author Unknown

A Basset walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the Basset. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The Basset put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The Basset barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The Basset pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The Basset barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The Basset then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the Basset's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart Basset you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Author Unknown